Since I am going back to school in January, I have been thinking about what I will be doing with my life. What will I be studying? Where will I be living? Will I be friends with all the same people? Do I want to repeat anything I did two years ago or just start fresh?
Last time I was at BYU I had a rolicking good time. I had an awful time. I've never felt more in control/focused/intelligent. I've never been so lost/insane/incoherent. It would be easy to ignore the bad stuff but since they are the reasons I withdrew from school, that would be a huge mistake.
I lived with a couple of girls who were like me. We listened to music just written for us. We cut each others hair. We terrified everyone. We layered ourselves in lace and ribbons and ripped fabrics and let flitted around campus like butterflies of death. We each had severe issues, ranging from panic disorders to manic depression, but huge strengths as well, like artistic ability and humor. We found comfort in being with equals.
The comfort is still there; however, I have been wondering how much of a help it really was. Did I get crazier because of my crazy friends? It definitely didn't start with them, since my first group of friends were the nicest group of Molly Mormons you ever did see.
The same group that later alienated me and treated me like a leper when things started getting harder, and when I needed them most.
Thats when I found the girls who were crazy like me. Sweet relief. We were more normal than anyone else at that school. We were the Sylvia Plaths, Emily Dickinsons, Marilyn Monroes, Judy Garlands. Feared, loved, amazing, not appreciated. Sisters of the brain. Strangers.
I miss it, but I fear it. Would anything be better than the stasis? The stasis that has been my life the past year or so? No goals, no moving forward, no inspiration or motivation. These past months have shaped me into being the person I am going to be much more than those few months at BYU, and I am not sure that is for the best.
thoughts thoughts. give me your thoughts. Even if you are a stranger, I want to know.
5 comments:
that was very well written brooke. i understand how it feels to be exhiled, and then accepted by those who feel like your doppelgangers. all i can say is hopefully you feel comfortable enough in your own skin, and un-persuadable to be someone you wouldn't want to be. just be the best you. :)
Not to get too sappy or religious - but I think it's very possible for you to continue with the goals you've set for yourself and move to the point you want to be at without relying an a group of friends that are exactly like you, exactly opposite you, exactly whatever you are looking for.
Don't get me wrong, you can have your friends. But if your core is strong and your relationship with the Lord is stronger, you will have all of the comfort and belonging that you need.
If you find individuals who have a similar relationship with God, your potential differences or similarities won't really matter as much.
So whether they are the Molly Mormons or the crazy artists or the somewhere in betweens, I think you will be happy with your friends. I don't know that the clothes/personalities of your friends will hurt or help you as much as their kindness and spiritual foundations.
I think it's really easy to find either one or the other, usually. Luckily in Provo, you have a fairly good chance of finding girls that have both. Like you.
I'm just excited you're going to be in stinkin Provo. Come tomorrow.
Thoughts from a stranger:
Go and simply start fresh. It seems like you are in a good place in our life now so continue with that. Make new friends, keep some old if you feel like it, if it seems right and you want to. If you don't, don't. Don't think too much about what others think and just be yourself. Do what you need to do for you. That's the most important thing.
I'm sure there will be some that will gossip, that will judge, that will be mean... just ignore it and rise above it. I know, probably easier said than done. I'm also sure that there will be some that are genuine and sincere, embrass those. Pray often and you will know what to do.
I'll be staying tuned to find out what happens.
Good luck
hi brooke even to this day i still have a hard time letting some of my friends back in who were not really there for me when i was at my worst throughout the mania.
i had that time when my life was not moving forward. i was off from school, i was lounging around, i wasn't working. it felt good to back school. and now that i'm working, it feels even better. i know i'm going off on a tangent but it really feels good to be able to look back and see that i got through that, with the help of my family and some really good friends, and meds and a doctor of course....
i agree with kristina's comment. you don't necessarily have to fall into a certain group. similar core values help. if they're good people you're good people and vice versa.
i wish you all the best when you return back to school!
You don't know me and I don't know you. I went to BYU long ago as a 4 month old convert to the church, raised by a liberal feminist and an environmentalist park ranger. My feminist self embraced the gospel because it is true and joyous and wonderful. However, my 19 year old self wanted to fit in so I began to bury the wonderfulness that IS ME and wore pastels and tried to bake some bread and make freezer jam and say foyer like FOYERRRR instead of FOY-YAY like it is supposed to be pronounced all because I wanted to fit in and become what I thought I was supposed to become. I got a bleeding ulcer, several marriage proposals and ran, screaming from the little bubble town after six months. I luckily married my high school sweetheart who baptised me and returned from his mission and knew the real me before all the craziness.
I think your writing is amazing and I think you have more to offer the world than any watered down chick named Molly. So I wonder if another school, in another town might be a better fit? There are so many amazing schools with amazing Institute programs out there that seem to be a little bit more reflective of the real demigraphic of church member than the ankle length, Banana Republic meets The Gap version of the typical Provo girl.
DISCLAIMER: There are amazing girls in Provo and I'm not saying that wonderfulness can't be found there, it just seems like a lot of pressure to conform to be like your first group of friends. I think at BYU, people tend to live in extremes. I'm extremely conservative or I'm extremely religious and let me show you how much or people that buck the whole culture and live in a different extreme. Get my drift? Sorry for the novel.
Post a Comment